When the boys were babies I was really caught up in proving to myself and the world that I could do it all. Yes, I had a child, but I could still do just as much business as I have ever done. So we got a nanny and off to work I went. I would come home for lunch and still spend lots of time with the boys, but in the beginning there was a lot of fear with not knowing and understanding how much of an impact having children affects you. My view points on things changed over night as did my priorities and now all of a sudden I was working with timing and scheduling like never before. My day ended when it was time for the nanny to go home, no matter where I was in my work day. Not only that, but I nursed the boys for quite a while and so there was the timing of needing to nurse at certain times in the day, because if you have ever gone over on your timing on that one, well, ouch!
I love my boys with all of my heart so it was not about resenting them, but it was a lot about just figuring everything out and then of course when they are really little just about the time you seem to get some sort of routine figured out they are on to a new routine which means you are back at square one. Regardless, though, I did not have a lot of guilt about being away from them when they were little, but when Alex started kindergarten this fall it really hit me. Wow! He is now in school and for the next 16 years we will be all about the school calendar for the boys and after school activities and they are growing up so fast. (You would think that he went from pre school to high school as worked up as I have been about all of this.)
So I have been feeling a combination of sadness that the boys are growing up and guilt that I am not spending enough time with them and then they get sick with colds that are really hanging in there. I have been home with them 8 week days during the last 3 weeks because they have been sick. They start to get better and then have a big day of activity and are back to being sick again. Frustrating! And of course all of this happens about a week after I decide I am ready to kick it up a notch at work. Well maybe next week on that one. There have been some frustrating days of feeling like I am now behind on everything, but really I have to admit that I have had so much fun spending time with the boys these last few weeks. We have snuggled and read books and played games and watched movies and just spent time together.
So while I would not have had the courage to take the time out off from my business to spend the extra time with the boys on my own, the Universe figured they would handle it for me and for that I am very grateful.